I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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