Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
