her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
