remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
