I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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