im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
