She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize