i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
it's like iHOP with fire
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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