does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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