I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
