oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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