i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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