how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
