Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
