On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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