Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
