Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
