I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
