i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
