what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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