Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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