If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
