do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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