I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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