No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
