I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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