Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
