I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Randomize
