im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
