You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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