screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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