Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Your penis caused this!
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