i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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