I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize