I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i can't believe i had my finger in that
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
