I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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