I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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