her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
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