Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
