i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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