Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
