After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize