cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
