my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
