There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
