My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize