Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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