does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
