If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
