my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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