well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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