UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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