On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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