remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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