You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
