FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
